You’re Gonna What?!

OK . . . a very serious topic to discuss . . . at least for those obsessed with molding their appearance to some elusive but incredibly pervasive artificial standard.

. . . The anal types . . . so to speak.

So, as we age, certain areas of our skin can change pigmentation, usually slightly darkening. The type under discussion here is the skin seldom exposed to the world, and usually highly flexed. We’re talking skin under the arms, between the legs, and most pertinent for this discussion, around the anus.

That’s right, you guessed it. We are talking the exciting field of asshole bleaching (I am not making this up). No matter how hygienic a person is, as we get older the skin directly around our anus darkens to some degree. The newest craze in the cosmetic alteration world is bleaching that skin back to normal coloration.

I ran into a (quite drunk) cosmetic surgeon that was in town for an educational seminar to add asshole color alteration to his repertoire of services. I thought he was kidding. He was quite serious. A treatment runs about $1000, and he says about 80% of his patients for any kind of cosmetic alteration finance the work through his office. With a paltry 21% interest rate, and a miss-one-payment default of 29.00% (and a $35 late fee), the procedure can net him $2500-$4000 per patient. All for about 30 minutes work.

Who are the clients? About 95% women. He says the men that do it usually have some professional considerations to consider, and will often bleach the skin around the scrotum and penis as well (shudder). Apparently it involves chemicals and lasers! While I was trying to imagine what possible “professional considerations” would inspire me to bend over and say, “Hey Doc! Bleach this!”, my new acquaintance leaned over and whispered knowingly, “porn stars”.

Oh. Hmm. I confess, I have never paid much attention to that particular detail.

As for the women? I was surprised. Most are not actresses or porn stars. Career women, housewives, older women, younger women, single women, married women, gay and straight women. No identifiable demographic, but not very many porn stars

Again, I tried and failed to imagine what would inspire that behavior. As a lover, I have never said or even thought something like, “Jheeze dear, you really should have your asshole bleached.” So I cannot imagine that the women are doing something like that for us men.

For themselves? Well, maybe. But that is not an area of one’s own body that one looks at very much. Well, maybe the contortionists, but we already talked about female porn stars.

So, my fertile imagination now gives me the rather vivid mind picture of all the women heading off to the restroom together when us men take them out as part of a group. I always thought they were comparing notes on our various shortcomings (or longcomings), or perhaps even discussing career paths or the best deals on whatever is the hot topic of the moment. In my lowest moment I imagined them standing in a circle asking each other, “Does this dress make my butt look big?”

Now I wonder if they might have a more intimate topic. “Hey Betty,” (shnnooorrrkkk) “do you think I should have this bleached?”

All this conversation earned me a coupon for one free anus bleaching session . . . with a scrotum treatment for just $50 extra. The catch? It is an advertising promotion for their catalog. Before and after pictures required.

When I left my inebriated cosmetic surgeon I was gingerly carrying the coupon at arm’s length and feeling very confused. Botox, implants, sculpted noses, and injected lips were confusing enough, but with this . . . well . . . I guess there is just no part I can assume is real. Too bad, that was such a handy indicator. I may have to go back to actually asking women their age. Sigh.

The coupon? Well, I expect it is going to garner some interest at the next “white elephant” or gift exchange party I get invited to.

Or maybe I’ll donate it to charity . . . after all, it’s too late it stick it in a Valentine’s card . . .

Of course as I stare at the coupon I can’t help but wonder if I made the right career choice.

I hear there’s and opening for a porn star . . .

Daniel Meyer

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