Drug Dealers have got nothing on these guys…

A conversation with evil

“Hello. This is Daniel Meyer. I’d like to close this account please.”

“Sure thing Mr. Meyer. I can help you with that. I just need to confirm your information and ask a few questions.”

(information confirmed here)

“Okay Mr. Meyer. I can help you with this. Can I ask you why you’re closing this account?”

“I don’t like the way you do business.”

“I see. Well Mr. Meyer, we take pride in satisfying our customers. Can you tell me what the problem is?”

“Let me ask YOU a question.”

“Okay Mr. Meyer. I can help you with that.”

“What part of 32% interest do you think is okay?”

“Pardon me?”

“I said, what part of 32% interest do you think is okay?”

“I assure you Mr. Meyer, our lending policies and rates are perfectly legal.”

“I didn’t ask you what was legal. I asked you what part of that you thought was okay?”

“Okay in what respect Mr. Meyer?”

“Well, here in Texas, if I were to lend $100 to somebody and charge them 32% interest, I’d be arrested for breaking usury laws, loan-sharking, and possibly racketeering. The maximum default interest rate in Texas is around 16% at the moment.”

“Texas law doesn’t apply to us Mr. Meyer. We’re legal under federal banking laws.”

“So, if it’s technically legal, for your business practices, it’s okay?”

“Well, yes.”

“Thought so. And I don’t have to like it OR do business with you. Please close the account.”

“How about if we set your interest rate at 12% for 6 months?”

“Ah, that would be a ‘no’. It’d just go back up to 32% the first chance you got. Close the account please.”

“Well, I’m authorized to reissue the card with the platinum terms, which specify a maximum rate of prime+12%”

“But you can change the terms at any time.”

“Yes, we can change the terms at any time.”

“No. Close the account.”

“We can also give you a special promotional rate of 6.9% for 6 months.”

“Retroactively?”

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean Mr. Meyer.”

“Can you refund the money I paid when you had me ground down under your heel and started charging me 32%?”

“Um. No Mr. Meyer. That’s not allowed for in our terms.”

“But it’s legal.”

“Sure, but we don’t do that.”

“You just got through telling me if it was technically legal, it would be okay for your business practices.”

“Well Mr. Meyer, that’s not.”

“I see. So, if it screws me, it’s okay. If it screws you, it’s not okay.”

“Well I’m not sure I’d put it that way.”

“I would. It should be your new company motto. Close the account.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Meyer. I can’t actually close the account. It must have a zero balance to be closed.”

“It does have a zero balance. I paid it off last month.”

“Well Mr. Meyer. It seems you overpaid by 32 cents. You account has a 32 cent credit.”

“So you owe me 32 cents.”

“Well Mr. Meyer, you have a 32 cent credit. We don’t actually owe it to you.”

“So, keep the 32 cents and close the account.”

“We can’t do that Mr. Meyer. The account must have a zero balance to close it.”

“Then cut me a check for 32 cents and close the account.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Meyer, but under our terms we don’t have to refund overpayments. We just have to credit the account.”

” . . . . . . . . . .”

“Mr. Meyer?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“No Mr. Meyer. We wouldn’t kid our customers.”

“You have no soul, right?”

“What do you mean Mr. Meyer?”

“Nothing. So. How do I close the account?”

“You can’t Mr. Meyer. It must have a zero balance.”

“So I have to spend 32 cents to close the account?”

“Or you could spend more. I’ve set you up for the 6.9% promotional rate.”

“. . . . . . . . . . . . .”

“Mr. Meyer?”

“You’re kidding right?”

“No Mr. Meyer. Would you like us to send you some convenience checks? You can get a cash advance against your credit line and use it to pay off other debt or take a vacation or whatever! Since you’re such a good customer I can even up your credit line.”

“. . . . . . . . . . . . . .”

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