Guy Cooking # 1

Okay, today we’re going to do “free range nachos”. Now, everybody knows that nachos are best done under a broiler, but “free range” nachos are an emergency recipe used…well…when your range has been set free…as mine has…as in my range is currently, well, misplaced.

Yes, there is a perfectly plausible and sensible (!) explanation as to how I managed to misplace an entire range…but that’s another story.

Since it seems likely that many men could be affected by circumstances similar to above (losing an entire range), this recipe is posted in the public interest.

Anyway, “Free Range Nachos” are best preceded by the utterance of two key guy phrases.

“Here, hold my beer.”
“Hey y’all, watch this!”

So, guys, your standard list of supplies will do.

Edit: It has been pointed out to me that some ladies may be following along, so I need to actually list the standard “guy cooking supplies”.

Cheese
Chips
Some form of fire*
Something sharp and pointy
Some form of alcohol
Meat (as unlikely as it sounds…optional for this recipe)

*For this recipe the fire’s fuel source should not directly impart any taste or toxins into the food.

Guy Standard Cooking Supplies.

Guy Standard Cooking Supplies.

Mandatory Guy Cooking Safety Equipment...try not to use it though. For this recipe  it will blow the nachos all over the kitchen and impart a slightly bitter flavor

Mandatory Guy Cooking Safety Equipment...try not to use it though. For this recipe it will blow the nachos all over the kitchen and impart a slightly bitter flavor

Most Guy Cooking devices are some variant of this

Most Guy Cooking devices are some variant of this

Now, as unlikely as it may seem guys, you ARE going to want to get laid again someday…so if you do have an SO, and you are in that person’s kitchen, protect the counter-tops! This conveniently labeled counter-top protector should do fine, even though it is probably flammable. It’s flammable characteristics are more than compensated for by the words “shield” and “cooking splatter”. Proper labeling is important.

Protect the Countertops

Protect the Countertops

We’re doing a 1/4 recipe tonight, as the dog is not handy to help out. For some reason he bolted when I got out the torch. Wimp.

Layout a smooth layer of chips

Layout a smooth layer of chips

Any recipe that uses the phrase 'handful of cheese' anywhere in it is good by my book

Any recipe that uses the phrase 'handful of cheese' anywhere in it is good by my book

Flame on!

Flame on!

Be. The. Cheese.

Be. The. Cheese.

A variety of techniques can be used

A variety of techniques can be used

The trick is to get a light scorch without that plastic flavor imparted by a heavy hand. Use finesse. We all know how amazingly flammable that cheddar cheese grease is right?

Just about done

Just about done

Done.

Done.

Just right!

Just right!

Now, the right wine is critical. This one happens to be citrus wine called “Key Limen” and can only be gotten in St. Petersburg, Florida. Before you laugh at my “provincial” tastes, you should try it. It is good at any age and nearly any temperature. When new, it is light and friendly and tastes a lot like a margarita. As it ages it takes in an oak flavoring that adds richness and body. It is excellent served ice-cold, but also very nice at room temperature. Helpful when the entire bottle is for you alone! This one happens to be over 10 years old. Oh, yeah…it’s 10%+ alcohol.

The right wine selection is critcal...

The right wine selection is critcal...

The right wine selection is critical…this picture included to show we did NOT consume
the bottle of wine before deciding to cook nachos with a torch.
Note: The use of “we” to refer to ourselves in third person may be a reliable indicator that we DID consume the bottle before writing this report

Of course, since some bastard moved the refrigerator, the cork-screw (which is normally cleverly adhered to the refrigerator by the built in magnet) is lost.

But guys, we can’t let that ruin a perfect meal.

Now THIS is a corkscrew

Now THIS is a corkscrew

As in all guy things...penetration is critical

As in all guy things...penetration is critical

A light but firm grip on his tool

A light but firm grip on his tool

Strong hands can work miracles

Strong hands can work miracles

A successful penetration is followed by a satisfying extraction

A successful penetration is followed by a satisfying extraction

Perfect

Perfect

Dinner is served…and the beauty of this wine is if you feel the need to add some meat to this repast, it goes perfectly with all beef franks and/or corny dogs.

Round out the evening by finishing the bottle of wine, and then cleansing the palette with an ice-cream sandwich.

So, until next time…buenos nachos!

CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer

This entry was posted in Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply