But a very difficult day…and yet I know others have it worse…and it feels selfish to acknowledge the pain…it feels like indulgence to allow myself to see the hole that is left behind…even for a moment.
It’s a goddamn big hole.
I’ve never been very good at this…with those I knew well. I can hear their ghosts…in the plans and unfulfilled dreams plainly visible for those that knew them. They are laid out like a diary in the things they left behind and I can hear them howl in frustration at the things left undone. I can hear them plainly. Takes time to shut them up, actually.
It helps that I can see them smile too…at the love of the people they left behind.
“The trouble is…we think we have time.”
-Jack Kornfield “Buddha’s Little Instruction Book”
It’s supposed to be easy…in the narrow role society has mapped out for me. Uncaring. Callous. Emotionless. Responsible for everything, entitled to nothing. Shrug off the pain and do the deed.
I’ve never been very good at that either. of course…it’s a role that’s SO universally expected…and that so many have tried to tamp me into for so long…that it’s beginning to fit…and I can hear my ghost howling as well.
Head up and carry on…and all that rot. Those that go before. Happens to everybody. Death and taxes. Circle of life. Be a man. Chin up.
Yeah yeah. I know. And I will.
When I’m damn good and ready.
Meantime, ya’ll may have to forgive me if I pull the covers over my head and tell the world to piss off for a while.
Rest in peace Larry. We’ve got this.