The Answer…

nerfherderSoooo…I need a surgeon…that’s another story…for now let’s just say…while a little hard work never hurt anybody, a lot will KILL you.

I had to fill out an extensive questionnaire/patient form and financial portfolio just to do a consult. I’m pretty sure I gave away my first born…and perhaps my soul…

The forms had two blanks to fill out I was unsure of…

Race, and ethnicity. Two separate questions.

I was somewhat unsure of the difference…pretty sure they’re not looking for “human” under “race”…human is the species really…so…in my case “Caucasian” would be race…

But “race” is also used to classify humans by anatomical, cultural, ethnic, genetic, geographical, historical, linguistic, religious, and/or social affiliation or characteristics. “Left-Handed Irish Catholic Caucasian Dentist” could be “race”.

So…what then, is “ethnicity”? I recalled it being a totally subjective, usually inaccurate, completely pointless socially defined grouping of…usually…bitter pills with a victim complex.

There are LOTS of choices. What sub-group would I break down into? Texican? Cat-god? Redneck? 45ACP? (’cause shooting twice is just plain silly).

Ethnicity could be part of race I suppose…I’m pretty sure I’m 3/5’s dragon…on my Mom’s side of course…and at least 12/3rd’s “lone wolf”…and deep down…right in the tip of my little toe…there’s a part of me that’s bound to be defined as “a character”.

I know without a doubt my best friend would classify me as “an asshole”. He often gets that classification confused with my actual name…but that’s another story.

What a dilemma…

I know the government thinks I’m “sheep to be fleeced”…or more accurately lately…”sheep to be fu…ur…screwed”…the cops think I’m a punching bag and their personal ATM machine, and the fact that I’m a middle-aged white guy that asserts my right to actually exist has some groups automatically defining me as a racist, homophobic, misogynistic, war-mongering, rapist, scruffy-looking nerf-herder…but yanno…I don’t really fit any of those either…I haven’t herded a nerf in ages.

What group to choose? I mean, I’m writing it down and we all know paperwork is king beyond all reasonable senses nowadays…this will be on file with the IRS along with my other medical records…and thus…open to all…and indisputable. My gawd! My choice now could determine my (echo-on)VERY FUTURE(echo-off).

I can see it now…in the not too distant future when I’m JUST *one* step away from complete world domination (after-all, I already have two towers) when, “BAM!” The press finds my questionnaire.

“Do you see what he answered for ‘ethnicity’?”
“Oh. Well. That’s it for him then. Cry havoc and release the dogs of war!”
“Dude…what?
“Rent a yacht. Sick Monica Lewinsky, Ginger White, and Donna Rice on him! No, the other Donna Rice.”

Shudder.

But then *I* ask a question…I know that’s frowned upon to the point of sacrilege nowadays…but I did it anyway.

“Why is the ethnicity question even necessary? Race…maybe…has some medical value, but ethnicity?” I got several blank looks and one, “Oh, he’s one of those…” sneers.

So…well…I went with my gut…which I usually do…and which also tells me that folks that ask me stupid questions get what they deserve for answers.

My ethnicity? What did I put on the form?

I put, ” ‘mericun. Fuck yeah. ”

In red Sharpie.

Then I drew a picture of a dragon…just because I could.

That is, by the way, the same answer I put in, “Are you sexually active?” …except for that one I drew the dragon with a big penis.

It’s unclear at this point whether this surgeon…will consent to being *my* surgeon.

‘mericun. Fuck yeah.

I’ll see you on the road!

*edit: As I should have included this earlier…if you’re not a movie geek and don’t know why I would have even *thought* to respond as such…it’s some “Danny-esq” reference to this movie (link). As for drawing a dragon? Well, that was simply because I didn’t have any references handy to draw a tesseract.

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