Three Initial Corporation

“Time Warner Cable, how can I help you?”

I was just hoping it was an actual person…it had taken me 35 minutes to get to this point.

“My cable isn’t working right. Stations blank out or go all pixely, especially the low ones.”

*insert TEN MINUTES of random bullshit here, super secret passwords, account verification, sales pitches, at least THREE up-sell attempts, etc*


“Okay, let’s do some troubleshooting. You’ll need some pliers or a wrench to remove the cable from the box.”

Yeah, SO not happening. These people are so hard to reach I do all the troubleshooting before I even bother to call. They won’t believe that though. You have to go through their script.

But I can be cantankerous.

“You want ME to work on your broken shit?”

“We’re just going to do some troubleshooting. Can you get some pliers?”

“You know I herd nerfs for a living, right?”

“Sir, it’s not complicated. You’ll just need some pliers.”

“Yeah, give me a minute.”

*sets the phone down and goes and takes a shower*

“Okay, I’m back!” (to my surprise, the tech is till there. I’m fairly sure they’re not allowed to hang up on a customer)

“Did you get the pliers?”

“Oh damn. I KNEW I was forgetting something.”

*sets the phone down and goes and gets dressed*

“Okay, I’m back again!”

“Did you get the pliers?”

“No, all I have is a hammer. Hang on…”

*sets the phone down and yells*

“Woman! Get your ass back in that closet! I’m not done with you yet! And dammit! Take the goat with you!”

The wife is sitting on the couch trying not to laugh out loud at my antics.

*picks the phone back up*

“Anyway, the hammer’s a pretty big one so I’m sure that will have the desired result if you’ll just tell me the best place to smack it. Uh…hang on…”

*sets the phone back down and yells*

“The GOAT dammit! Take the GOAT! Leave the stupid raccoon where he’s at! I don’t think he can move anyway…”

*picks the phone back up*

“I’m back! Let’s get to the smacking. I need to watch my soaps!”

“Sir, the desired result is that we remove and replace the cables while resetting the box.”

“Uh, no it’s not. Whatever gave you that idea? The desired result is that you send somebody out to fix your broken shit.”

The appointment is for tomorrow.

Can’t wait to see how many trucks they send.


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One Response to Three Initial Corporation

  1. sevesteen says:

    “Hey, TWC–my internet is out and the box has no connection lights, the TV on the cable box has no signal, and the TV that isn’t on a cable box is very fuzzy on analog channels, and all the digital channels say insufficient signal strength. I suspect I have a problem with the incoming signal rather than 3 separate problems”

    “I”m sorry, let’s try rebooting the cable modem, I apologize, I’ll explain how to do what you just told me you already did…I apologize, Surprise, that didn’t work, let’s try rebooting the cable box. I apologize again, and a few more times. Try rebooting the TV not on a cable box?…I’m stumped and I’m sorry you’re having these problems, I’ll transfer you to the internet division, I’m sorry”.
    (Pause to give me time to listen to bad, extremely loud, extremely distorted hold music several times through) “Internet division, please tell me all your customer information that you already told the person who transferred you here, then tell me the problem just like you just told them…then we can do the exact same things the previous person asked you to do, continuing to apologize every other breath”.

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