Lying here in the deep night, pondering the future.
And not the far future…no…for deeply disturbing reasons best left unexplored in these hours, those days seem past…rather, I’m looking much nearer. Tomorrow as a point of fact.
Oh there’s nothing specific…no impending doom…at least nothing new. Nothing direct and physical. I would almost relish a physical threat…an upfront attack. Those I can deal with.
Rather, it’s a daily grind now. Who am I going to have to fight tomorrow…to keep what I’ve earned…to collect what I’m owed…to pursue my dreams…to retain my right to simply exist and care for me and mine?
I fought a long way to achieve what I have. When did it become a battle to just hang on? Swimming hard against a current that is sweeping me away…and it’s a new challenge every day. The criminals institutionalized. The theft legalized. Required by law even. Pushing back a crime. To even question merits punishment.
The framework of civilization gone feral, turned inward to consume those it’s supposed to protect.
It’s hunger is immense. It’s appetite is insatiable. The force behind it unassailable.
Who’d have thought?
My thoughts spinning…questioning. For the life of me I can’t see what I should have done differently…at least…anything I could have done that fits within my range of “moral flexibility”. Every solution…every legal solution anyway, involves sacrificing something I hold dear…something I struggled for.
I finally realize there’s nothing to accomplish here…burning my brains to the core deep in the night…and I shift my focus to the present…to the now.
That shift is what keeps me sane.
Now. This moment.
My lover is sleeping beside me, her warm curves pressed hard against me. Her arm draped across my chest, my fingers gripping her inner thigh…I squeeze lightly and am rewarded by a soft moan as she snuggles even closer. I slide my hand upward and she wakes enough to whisper in my ear, “I’m yours.”
And that’s all it takes.
Doesn’t matter what battles I face tomorrow…no matter how veiled or disguised as “business” they are. Doesn’t matter where the fight takes me, or in the end, what it may cost. Me and her…against the world. Me and her…together as always.
Despite the trials…despite the fight…life…this moment…is pretty damn good. That’s the line in the sand.
What matters is THIS moment, and others like these.
…and woe be unto the man or god that tries to take them from me…
I’ll see you on the road.