Penance?

So…yeah…the next part of my fitness journey involves a whole lot of pain, a wheelbarrow full of money, some risk, and weeks of no physical activity…

I debated even posting regarding it…but I’ve been pretty serious about sharing my journey so far…with some positive effects…I think…

But this next step…is not a minor thing on any front…

It’s also…sort of…optional. And personal. And generating a big bunch of mixed thoughts and not a minor amount of anxiety to go with it.

We’re talking excess skin removal…I’m approaching 15% body fat…that’s athletic/ideal (10% is the lowest “healthy/fit/athletic” folks would want to go, the body builders will, for a show, cut down to less…but even they don’t hold that).

So, as I said, 15% is the goal…and I’m all but there.

That leaves me with a significant physical problem of the loose skin…hard to describe (and I ain’t posting pics!), but understand I could not FASTEN 60″ slacks, even UNDER the “dunlop”…yanno…that belly over the belt was even bigger than 60”.

And now I’m in 35’s (with NO dunlop). TWO HUNDRED POUNDS of fat gone…

So, perhaps 30 pounds of skin that ain’t going away..it’s possibly more. It causes chafing, some movement restriction, some pain, hygiene concerns, and interferes a bit in my love life…these ARE important things…

And it won’t get better over time. It would be a lifetime issue…

So, there’s surgery that will remove it…it’s not a minor thing due to the nature and degree and location of my issue.

It’s not in any way covered by medical insurance, costs about what a solid new sedan would cost, and results in 3 weeks off work, a minimum 6 weeks more of restricted physical activity, and months to “normal”…a lifetime for me…though I’ve dealt with similar with shoulder injuries.

…and I could survive without doing it…it’s not “acute” treatment…it’s “quality of life”…

And I feel guilty about it…I’ve seldom gone to docs unless to treat something “wrong”…usually life-threatening”. Heck, often I didn’t even go THEN…

And here I’m considering the risk, time off, and dropping a load of coin on something that’s optional in the brutal end analysis.

Can I afford it? Not really…but I can manage it…it’s money. I can make more. That’s NOT a nonchalant attitude. You burn your life for this crap. What’s it for anyway?

Is it worth the risk? It’s a serious surgery…the details are utterly terrifying…but it IS common…and I don’t select “questionable” providers for such a thing…some of the best in the world are within miles of me.

The time off? I’m owed it. The many more weeks of limited physical activity and not being able to address my own projects and obligations…that’s a tough one. The world piles on whether you’re ready or not…and cares not a WHIT why you’re not dealing with it. It will utterly and completely steamroll you and not even look back.

But I suppose in the end analysis all that stuff will be waiting for me later as well as sooner so…

The pain? Man…I dunno. I’ve had some pain I wouldn’t wish on anybody…and survived. Thrived even. And the nightmares aren’t too bad…too often. But to volunteer for it…for something that’s an option?

Is it actually optional?

Part of me…that fat man in the mirror…says surgery’s silly. Just live with the problem…man up. Muscle through. Cope. It’s penance anyway…and that I deserve…it’s just plain selfish. That fat man in the mirror also scoffs..Hell, you’re in your fifties anyway. Why bother? It’s a cheat. An easy way. A failure.

Part of me says, hell, I’ve come THIS far…Fight. Everything you’ve got.

…and somewhere deep down understands there’s no other action I can take that would fix it. No diet. No supplement. No magic cream. No amount of willpower. There is literally nothing I can do, short OR long term, other than the surgery to fix this issue.

But there are others to think about.

Mixed thoughts. Anxiety. Weird stuff for me. I’ve learned over the years just to make a decision and take action…even if it’s wrong at least you’re acting. If you don’t decide…usually the decision gets made for you anyway. Default decisions never have ideal outcomes.

Penance? Selfish? Or a reasonable approach to fixing my very real problem (even though I caused it)? I suppose I faced similar issues regarding the shoulders, but that was facing a lifetime disability…

…but I suppose I am facing the same thing now. At least the shoulders I EARNED with hard work. No penance needed there. Surely I deserved THAT fix.

That’s the fat man in the mirror talking again.

Heh…rhetorical questions I suppose. Only I can answer them ultimately…but I wish they’d let me sleep…and I do value the discussion.

You can read more about my fitness journey here.

I’ll see you on the road.

CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer

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