Sitting here in my recliner…casting music vids at the “wall ‘O boob tube”…taking a much needed rest day. Sleep is still tough…work has been at its most challenging, and recovery from this surgery takes a LOT out of you.
I had the shakes this morning. They were, at least, somewhat less than yesterday.
Yeah, I went back to work too soon. Can’t be helped. I am what I am…I do what I do. I’ve made my way in this world on my will and ethics…work and otherwise…despite some bad hands dealt. I come from a *long* way down and am constantly aware that because of what and who I am, there’s no safety net.
One or two missed steps and I’d be back in the mire I fought my way out of years ago.
I am unlikely to change “what brung me” to any serious degree.
I’ve time to reflect today…the human organism is a fantastic thing, at least if you give it half a chance. The sheer severity of the punishment you can inflict on the human body…that it can and will recover from, all the while permitting you to be as functional as is possible, is truly amazing.
But the mind must be involved. Resilience, it turns out, is an act of sheer will. The hard work is the easy part. If I regret anything of the past…it’s that it took me so long to understand that.
This isn’t just about the recent surgery…it covers near 5 decades of bad choices, overwork, self-neglect, and injuries.
And despite it all…today, finally, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I did the work. I paid the price…and the interest.
The “tearing me down” phase is over. It’s time to remake the man.
So yeah, I need this break…and a few more. I still feel guilty about it…but my focus is changing.
I stared at the man in the mirror for a long while this morning. I STILL don’t recognize him…but…at least now I can see he’s on his way to becoming the man I always thought I was.
…or perhaps dreamed I could be.
It’s a high bar I’ve set…but I’ve already decided that I’ll clear it.
Whatever it takes.
I’ll see you on the road.
“Break me down and build me up
Whatever it takes
‘Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
‘Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes…”
You can read more about my fitness journey here.