Okay, today we're going to do "free range nachos". Now, everybody knows that nachos are best done under a broiler, but "free range" nachos are an emergency recipe used...well...when your range has been set free...as mine has...as in my range is currently, well, misplaced.
Yes, there is a perfectly plausible and sensible (!) explanation as to how I managed to misplace an entire range...but that's another story.
Since it seems likely that many men could be affected by circumstances similiar to above (losing an entire range), this recipe is posted in the public interest.
Anyway, "Free Range Nachos" are best preceded by the utterance of two key guy phrases.
- "Here, hold my beer."
- "Hey y'all, watch this!"
So, guys, your standard list of supplies will do.
Edit: It has been pointed out to me that some ladies may be following along, so I need to actually list the standard "guy cooking supplies".
- Some form of fire*
- Something sharp and pointy
- Some form of alcohol
- Meat (as unlikely as it sounds...optional for this recipe)
*For this recipe the fire's fuel source should not directly impart any taste or toxins into the food.
Guy Standard Cooking Supplies.
Mandatory Guy Cooking Safety Equipment...try not to use it though. For this recipe
it will blow the nachos all over the kitchen and impart a slightly bitter flavor
Most Guy Cooking devices are some variant of this
Now, as unlikely as it may seem guys, you ARE going to want to get laid again someday...so if you do have an SO, and you are in that person's kitchen, protect the countertops! This conviently labeled countertop protector should do fine, even though it is probably flammable. It's flammable characteristics are more than compensated for by the words "shield" and "cooking splatter". Proper labeling is important.
Protect the Countertops
We're doing a 1/4 recipe tonight, as the dog is not handy to help out. For some reason he bolted when I got out the torch. Wimp.
Layout a smooth layer of chips
Any recipe that uses the phrase "handful of cheese" anywhere in it is good by my book
Be. The. Cheese.
A variety of techniques can be used
The trick is to get a light scorch without that plastic flavor imparted by a heavy hand. Use finesse. We all know how amazingly flammable that cheddar cheese grease is right?
Just about done
Now, the right wine is critical. This one happens to be citrus wine called "Key Limen" and can only be gotten in St. Petersburg, Florida. Before you laugh at my "provincial" tastes, you should try it. It is good at any age and nearly any temperature. When new, it is light and friendly and tastes a lot like a margarita. As it ages it takes in an oak flavoring that adds richness and body. It is excellent served ice-cold, but also very nice at room temperature. Helpful when the entire bottle is for you alone! This one happens to be over 10 years old. Oh, yeah...it's 10%+ alcohol.
The right wine selection is critcal...this picture included to show we did NOT consume
the bottle of wine before deciding to cook nachos with a torch.
Note: The use of "we" to refer to ourselves in third person may be a reliable indicator that we DID consume the bottle before writing this report
Of course, since some bastard moved the refrigerator, the cork-screw (which is normally cleverly adhered to the refrigerator by the built in magnet) is lost.
But guys, we can't let that ruin a perfect meal.
Now THIS is a corkscrew
As in all guy things...penetration is critical
A light but firm grip on his tool
Strong hands can work miracles
A successful penetration is followed by a satisfying extraction
Dinner is served...and the beauty of this wine is if you feel the need to add some meat to this repast, it goes perfectly with all beef franks and/or corny dogs.
Round out the evening by finishing the bottle of wine, and then cleansing the pallette with an ice-cream sandwich.
So, until next time...buenos nachos!